New Age Parenting … Toss It!

I spend so much time erasing all the new age parenting stuff with clients.

It’s frustrating as I don’t understand why it ever even became popular?  It doesn’t make any sense???

What is New Age Parenting?  There are many different definitions out there, but here’s mine:

  • Praising children for everything, e.g., trophies for doing nothing more than participating
  • Not making children accountable
  • Few or no boundaries
  • Raising self-entitled young people
  • No discipline

What happens is that kids get out of control and parents end up yelling out of frustration.  So then we have a society of new age parents who’ve tried being friends with and reasoning with their kids and are now yelling at them?  It’s all very confusing, kids don’t know where to turn.

Parents have to set themselves up as leaders.  They can still be friends with their kids, but they are leaders first and foremost.  Kids without parent leaders turn to peers for guidance.

Parents who aren’t leaders don’t get respect and they’re so confused as they’ve given their children all these choices, trophies and tried to please them.  They can’t figure out what’s gone wrong.

I heard a mom at the store say to her tween, “Why are you so mean to me, I’ve given you everything!”  She just asked and answered her own question in one sentence.  

What’s gone wrong is that new age parenting is weak and ineffective.  Even parents who get along with their new age kids often find themselves in trouble when the kids hit puberty as those kids are much more easily lead by their peers.

If you are a fair and consistent leader for your children, I guarantee you will get respect.  Once you have that, parenting is a joy, even through the teen years.  I’m not just talking about myself, I’ve helped tons of parents become leaders.  It’s a skill anyone can learn, so long as they’re ready to throw out all that new age thinking.

If you’re struggling with your kids and want help, check out my coaching page.  

Lisa Bunnage, Parenting Coach

How to get kids to do what you want || As Soon As Method

If you’re having trouble getting your kids to clean up their room, get ready for school or brush their teeth, then this is for you.  

When I was raising my kids people would often say how lucky I was to have such easy kids.  They don’t just pop out of the womb that way.  I put some real work into those kids when they were little and it paid right through the teen years.    

I can’t remember having trouble getting my kids to do what I wanted them to do after about the age of 3, and here’s how I did it …

I taught them that life wasn’t about handouts, they had to be responsible and accountable.  If they wanted to watch TV, they had to make sure their room was clean, etc.  They learned this so early that they formed with this belief system.  I don’t remember ever reminding them to do their chores, homework or even be polite.  They just knew the rules and took responsibility for their actions.    

The only thing they ever did that got on my nerves was poke at each other in the back seat of the car after school.  Once I realized that was their way of saying hi to each other and releasing some steam after a long day at school, that didn’t even bother me.  

So, how do you do get kids to be responsible and do what needs to be done?  Use the “as soon as” method:  

“As soon as your room’s clean you can play video games.”  

“As soon as you’re ready for school you can watch TV.”  

My kids grew up thinking that they had to get stuff done before having fun.  The TV would NEVER have gone on in our house before they were all ready for school, it just wouldn’t have happened.  They never questioned it as never knew any different.  I never even said anything, it was just a known fact.    

Okay now, I realize you may not have trained your kids to have this mindset but it’s still do-able.  Yes, it’s going to be more work erasing bad habits but I’ve trained many parents on this “as soon as” method and they all say once they get it, the kids do too.  Kids adjust to this way quicker than the parents.  The parents often fumble and say they were too tired to follow through and on went the TV first thing in the morning then they struggled to get the kids off to school with the usual yelling, threatening, etc.  

Every single time you fumble like that you’re training the kids that you don’t mean business and they are once again in charge.  You have to face the fact that you trained the kids to act the way they do, and you’re going to have to train them out of it.  You’re going to have a tough week or 2 or more, but would you rather that or have a tough 18 years???  

Check out my article:  “If your child is a Rotten Brat, it’s all your Fault”.

A parent said to me, “My son just isn’t interested in food.  He pushes his dinner around on his plate for 5 minutes then runs off to play video games.” I said, “Does he have access to video games any time he wants?”  Answer, “Well no, but sometimes it’s just easier than fighting with him to get him to eat.”  Me, “Here’s what you do.  Tell your son that from now on he can play video games as soon as he’s eaten his dinner.  It’s his choice, he can either eat his dinner and play video games, or not eat dinner and not have video games.  That’s it, no more explaining, just get up and calmly walk away.”  

Of course there’s a lot more to it as children will often follow parents around trying to get their own way but there are a variety of different ways to handle that depending on the family dynamics.  Parents often get worn down and give in so I teach them how to stay strong as this stuff works, I guarantee it.

Life’s about choices:

You can eat dinner then play video games or not, up to you.

You can put in some work and have great kids or not, up to you.

If you need help with this, check out my coaching page.

Lisa Bunnage, Parenting Coach

 

 

If your child is a Rotten Brat, it’s all your Fault

finger in faceBad News:   If your child is a Rotten Brat, it’s all your Fault

Good News:   If your Child is a Rotten Brat, it’s all your Fault

How your children act is a direct result of your parenting. That’s great news as it means that if they are rotten brats today you have the power to turn that around.

When coaching I often tell parents that the only other relationship that’s even close to parenting is a sports coach. A great coach explains the rules of the game, enforces the rules, and bonds with and encourages the kids.

Could you imagine a child arguing the rules of baseball?!:

I don’t wanna run around all the bases, I just

wanna run to 1st base then back home for a home run!!!!

Waaaaaaaa … !!!!”

Would a coach allow that? Of course not. Yet why on earth would you allow your children to argue bedtime, mealtime, manners?!

Kids who don’t respect their parents often respect other adults. Most of my clients say their children are great with the teacher and other adults, just horrible with them. That’s great news as it means they’re not really rotten, they just need leadership.

Children who don’t respect their parents don’t have self-respect. 

I don’t really believe that children are capable of being rotten brats. They’re just reacting to the lack of leadership in their lives. The reason I know this is that I was never asked to work with angels, I specialized in troubled kids/teens and never had a problem with any one of them. Sure, some took longer to come around, but they all did eventually.

All kids respond beautifully to strong leadership, love and boundaries.

So if you’re struggling with parenting now, please don’t put up with it any longer. I don’t want that for you OR your kids.  I have a free “3 Step Parenting Plan” included in my newsletters which outlines how to get started with discipline.  Just sign up at the top right of this page.  It’s simple and easy to use.  

Sign up to my Newsletter (above right) to get your FREE “3 Step Parenting Plan”.  I use this with all of my clients as a visual tool to get organized with discipline, rules, etc.

Lisa Bunnage, Parenting Coach

Liar Liar Pants on Fire | How to get the Truth out of Kids

A client had 2 sons fighting. No blood spurting from arteries, just shoving, arguing, crying, blaming, etc.

She didn’t know who to punish as they, of course, were each blaming the other.

I said, “Here’s what you do.  You sit them both down individually, then together.  Slowly (the slower the better) ask them to explain exactly what happened in great detail.  Then ask them to do this as many times as it takes before one or both of them sing like canaries.  They’ll see any punishment as better than be bored to death!”

I’ve even heard of kids taking the blame when it wasn’t their fault just to stop the interrogation.

Give it a try and let me know how it works.

Lisa Bunnage, Parenting Coach

Don’t forget to hit the green “Sign Up” button for your FREE “3 Step Parenting Plan”.

 

 

What are Monster Tantrums & How do you Handle Them?

tantrumMonster Tantrums are the ones that can last for hours and the whole house is torn up in the process.  They can start at around 2 years of age and go right through the teen years.  Best to get a handle on them at 2.

IGNORE IGNORE IGNORE!!!  Attention is tantrum food.  Stay calm and restrain them from hurting themselves or others.  No eye contact, no dialogue, no anger.  Walk around the house going about your business as per usual.  Peel them off your legs if necessary but look away as you do so.

Don’t punish a tantrum as it’s just an expression of feelings.  Haha … what a nice way to put it.  You can punish a naughty behaviour that happened before or during the tantrum, e.g., they throw the remote at the TV and broke it while having the tantrum.

All consequences are handed out AFTER the tantrum.  How to punish is another blog, but the most important thing is remember to not react to the outburst while it’s happened.  In other words, when they jump off the cliff don’t go after them.  Wait at the top with a rope to pull them back up.

My son threw a tantrum in a mall and I stood off to the side filing my nails.  People kept going up to him asking if he was okay.  He eventually got embarrassed and came over to me and hugged my legs with his face pressed into my butt.  I’m not sure which was more awkward:  his tantrum or his face in my butt.  But (no pun intended) my point is that his fit didn’t work and he never did it again.  Had I given in or talked to him maybe he’d be a less self-disciplined adult now, who knows?

Book on how to handle Tantrums:  The whole process step-by-step.

Lisa Bunnage, Parenting Coach

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