Did you know if you master how you talk to kids you can get them to do pretty much anything you want? Not only that but they’ll have pride in thinking that it’s what they wanted to do all along.
It’s not about obedience, but about guiding kids to make the right decisions and do the right things. This leads to pride, high self-esteem, etc., etc.
So, how do you guide kids to choose to do the right thing? It’s easy, you just learn how to communicate with them on their level, not yours.
Far too much parenting advice tells parents to speak to children as if they’re tiny adults. That drives me nuts as it’s so disrespectful. That would be like expecting an adult to communicate on a child’s level. Okay, maybe some do, but you get the point.
Speak to children as if they’re children. Don’t talk down to them, just speak in their language.
Here’s a great example of getting a defiant 9 year old to do a task he didn’t want to do:
I was running a workshop awhile back and a 9 year old boy was being very cheeky to his father who kept trying to get him to settle down and do a task. Dad was using phrases like:
If you don’t sit still and listen there’s no TV tonight.
I told you on the way here that if you’re not good today then you’ll be in trouble when we get home.
I intervened and told the boy that he didn’t have to do the task, he could go sit in a chair by the wall, no problem. He ran right over to the chair. His father was upset but I whispered, “Just smile and let me lead.” We did the boy’s task while talking and laughing and eventually the boy came over and tried to join in.
His father was ecstatic and started to pull up a chair so he could join in. I said to the boy, “You chose not to do the task and I completely respected that. You’re welcome to do the next task but you’ll have to go sit back in the chair for now. Thanks.” Then I just continued talking to the dad as if the boy wasn’t even there. When the boy tried talking to me I just smiled at him and pointed to the chair. I didn’t have time to talk, I was busy doing “his” task.
The boy was kinda confused as had never been spoken to like that but because it was all so clear and definite with no room for negotiation, he went right back to the chair. Sure enough, he ran right over for the next task. He even waited for me to gesture for him to come back and join us. All happy smiles, nothing negative about the interaction.
Not only did he feel respected, but he felt appreciated and proud when he completed the next task.
If I hadn’t intervened he wouldn’t have done any tasks and at the end of the workshop the dad would’ve been frustrated, angry and embarrassed. They both left feeling very proud of themselves.
It took a lot of coaching after that experience to kick dad of his old habits as he really struggled to let go as in his home country children are taught to obey. It’s not like that here in Canada so the outside influences were really messing that that cultural beliefs. The dad was trying to demand respect but learned how to command it instead which I think is way better anyway, don’t you?
The above interaction was specific to that situation but this same belief system of talking to kids in their language, very concise and direct, works with homework, bedtime and even chores. Of course the method is changed as who’s going to look all happy to take out the garbage while the kid just sits in a chair, lol.
Anything you’re struggling to get your kids to do? Let me know and I may use it in Volume 22,318 :).