You Know Disciplining is Necessary, but how do you Get Started?

You know you have to discipline.  But where do you start?  I’ll break it down into 3 steps:

1.  Adopt a calm demeanour (will elaborate on this below).  It doesn’t have to be who you are or what you’re feeling.  It’s just a demeanour.  If you’re stressed, yelling, losing it, the kids are going to focus on that, not rules or anything else.

2.  Pick just 1 rule and 1 consequence for every member of the family (refer to my “3 Step Parenting Plan” (below) for this.

3.  Follow through with the rule and consequence 100%.  If you mess up, start again and pick another rule and consequence.  

The point of this is to win one battle, just one.  Once you master that, the next ones get easier.

What are the best battles to start with?  The ones that are measurable and daily.  They could be bedtime, mealtime, etc.  

Let’s eIaborate on your calm demeanour.  It’s along the lines of “fake it till you make it”.  Once you start to see results with this new you, or this pretend new you, it will start to become genuine.

When I first started working with troubled teens I’d make the inside of my cheeks bleed chewing on them trying to stay calm.  I knew those kids were testing me but I’m still human.  I knew that the quickest path to getting positive results was always to stay calm under any circumstances.

I really lost it once with a troubled teen.  He was into cutting and had suicidal tendencies.  He said I may not see him the following week as he wasn’t sure he wanted to be around anymore.  I grabbed him and growled, “If you kill yourself I’ll kill you!”  He thought that was pretty funny and our sessions continued the following week.

I hope this helps,

Warmly,

Lisa.

Are you a Leader or a Bossy Friend to your Kids?

Almost all of the parents I work with are highly intelligent, successful and confident.  They’re stunned that they’re having problems with their kids because they’re so good at everything else.  The reason their kids are challenging them is usually because they’re Bossy Friends instead of Leaders.

So what’s a Bossy Friend?  It’s a parent who tries to be friends with their kids but when the kids get out of hand they become bossy and often yell and just lose it because the kids won’t listen to them.

I was definitely friends with my kids but I was the Leader first and foremost.  Once you get that figured out, let the friendship and fun and happiness roll right through the teen years.  You just have to exercise your leadership every so often to remind them who’s in charge.

Being in charge isn’t about telling them what to do, being bossy or “demanding” respect.  It’s about being a calm leader, trustworthy, consistent, predictable and always willing to listen.  You give respect to get it.

So what are you putting first?  Friendship or leadership?  Think about it, it’s important.

Lisa Bunnage, Parenting Coach

Note:  Coaching probably isn’t what you think it is.  It’s not about telling me how you got where you are.  I don’t work that way at all.  I just work on moving you forward in a positive direction, it’s all goal and results driven.  For more on coaching.  

 

 

 

 

Am I a Bad Parenting because I don’t know how to Discipline my Kids?

I’ve had many clients ask me if they’re bad parents just because they don’t have a clue how to effectively discipline their children.  I always answer with a chuckle as if every parent who couldn’t discipline is bad than there sure are a lot of lousy parents out there.  

Not knowing how to discipline children is extremely common.  How would you know how to do it if you haven’t had children before?  Yes, some of it is common sense but a lot is training and practice.  I learned how to discipline kids by babysitting and volunteering in daycare centres when I was about 13.  I was always put with the challenging kids as enjoyed figuring out how to handle them.  I used a combination of leadership and fun which I carried right through all the kids/teens I worked with through out the years and certainly while raising my own two kids.  

So if you don’t know how to discipline, then you can learn how to do it.  Discipline is what leads to self-discipline.  Kids aren’t born with self-discipline, it’s up to us to teach then, that’s why disciplining them is so important. 

You can’t effectively discipline without your children’s respect, but once you have it discipline is approximately:

99% positive encouragement and 1% punishment  (if even that)

So what if you’re currently at 50% and 50%, or maybe even worse?  How long does it take to get respect?  That depends on 2 things:

  • the age of your children
  • your willingness to replace old habits with new ones

I’ve had clients who saw huge changes in just 2 days and others who needed several months to get things sorted out.  It’s all up to you and how quickly you can change your parenting style.  You don’t need to change everything, often it’s something really small that you’re not even aware of that needs adjusting.

What you say and how you say it are extremely important.  Here’s a good example of how NOT to talk to a 6 year old who is consistently cheeky and defiant:

“Why are you always so difficult?  What’s wrong with you?  Do you want to have media blackout for the next month?!” 

A better way:

“You know it’s not okay to be cheeky so there’ll be no media tonite.  But instead, how about we play a board game?”

You’re replacing a negative situation with a positive one.  Family games nights are bonding and fun.  Media blackout is the consequence for being cheeky but that’s it, forgive and forget.  Move on and replace the negative with a positive.  

So how do you handle it if your child flips out over media blackout and throws the board game across the room?  You completely ignore it, let them work it out on their own.  You are calm, silent and disengaged.  

Of course there’s a lot more to it but that’s the basic premise.  You lay down the law, follow through and don’t get pulled into any dialogue explaining yourself.  If you allow yourself to be pulled into conversations whereby you’re explaining your authority … you’ve just lost it.  

Check out how to get your kids to do what you want.  It’s my “As Soon As Method”.  

Lisa Bunnage, Parenting Coach

Note:  Don’t forget to sign up to my Newsletter to get your FREE “3 Step Parenting Plan” which will help you get started with Discipline.  Just to go the top right of the page.

Why Schools Shouldn’t be Disciplining Children

When my kids first started school I told the staff, “If my kids ever step a toe out of line, please don’t discipline them.  Let me know and I’ll deal with them.”

There were 2 reasons for this:

  1. My kids’ behaviour is my responsibility.
  2. No one’s going to discipline as effectively as I am.

Not only did my kids never step a toe out of line, but I continually got letters from teachers and principals and coaches about how well behaved and pleasant my children were to be around.

So, why should schools not be disciplining kids?  Because it’s not their job!!!  Or at least it shouldn’t be.  Kids should turn up at school polite and respectful toward others.  Manners, respect and consideration are all up to parents to teach, not the schools.  

One of my most controversial newspaper articles was, “Stop Expecting Schools to Parent”.  

I wrote that article back in 2014 and I’m seeing a shift now in 2017.  Parents are much more willing to agree that we have to stop coddling our kids and start teaching them about accountability.

You have to meet their needs and manage their wants.  You need to prepare them for the real world.  The real world doesn’t have any interested in self-entitled people.

I used to love watching a show called Bridezillas.  All these revolting brides throw fits, whining and making everyone around them miserable.  It was only funny because they were adults so I had zero sympathy for them.  But when I see kids acting like that I feel so sorry for them.  It’s not their fault, they’ve been trained to act like that by their parents.

It’s time we all start taking pride in our role as parents.  We need to raise children who have self-respect, respect for others and are just plain nice human beings.

If your kids are acting out, take a look in a mirror instead of blaming them or others.  It’s all up to you, you have total control.  

Lisa Bunnage, Parenting Coach